The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
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Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
In banana years, I am bread.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.