A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
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The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.