Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
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Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.