I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
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Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I’m having an out of money experience.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog