I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
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If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.