I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
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CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
the greatest twitter interaction
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”