My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
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I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.