Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
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My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
#dalle2
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.