Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
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Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?