Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
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My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
I want this so bad
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Got ya covered