i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
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All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Danger is very dangerous
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day