“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
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Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me