I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
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Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.