I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
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FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week