run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
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when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.