I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
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An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.