upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
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girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Breaking news:
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]