Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
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[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
“What movie?” 🤔
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner