it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
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my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”