When you’re here for the treats.
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@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.