Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
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Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.