[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
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i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine