Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
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Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?