Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
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[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!