We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
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Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
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Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.