I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
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“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.