Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
You Might Also Like
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
The honesty is refreshing
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.