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[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
This rocks
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.