My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
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being a writer on Twitter:
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse