Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
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If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
subtitles are so good nowadays
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty