hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
You Might Also Like
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.