the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
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Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.