*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
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Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )