If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
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wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Remember folks 😂
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?