(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
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Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
the greatest twitter interaction
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
is this store having a stroke wtf
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy