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My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.