Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
You Might Also Like
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
#growingpains
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.