me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
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Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
I think I’ll stand
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118