If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
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Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.