I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
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This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Real House Wines.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.