“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
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Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Leaving the Barbers like
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.