[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
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[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable