🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
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a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE