I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
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I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”