My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
You Might Also Like
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire