some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
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local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?