Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
You Might Also Like
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.