10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
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guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time