Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
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I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
No chill.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.