[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
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*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
this is the greatest thing ever
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
saw this in a dream
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.